Wedding Bloopers and Horrible Tips

People always say, “It won’t be perfect.” I worried how bad would things go? Do people typically lose rings? Have their vendors not show up? A part of me was waiting to be devastated. Yes, things will go wrong but I believe the bloopers actually make the day perfect. No one wants to hear, “Oh, my wedding was so lovely. We released doves with pearl-studded collars in the air and frolicked into the sunset on matching twin Clydesdales.” Lame. However, the idea, “Anything that can go wrong, will” is horrifying. For months I had nightmares I was about to walk the down the aisle and some guy with a thick Boston accent would yell, “Hey, lady, you forgot your veil!” I’d run frantically, being trampled by wild animals, wondering how I missed that detail. Some of these things may go fabulously wrong, but here’s some horrible advice to keep in mind.

Throw up first and save lipgloss for last.

To be fair, I have a severe anxiety disorder that I struggle with on a daily basis. Walking down the street with trauma is not easy, never mind the pressure of making a $20,000 day epic. Ten girls were in my room, my mom was breathing over my shoulder analyzing how my makeup and hair was turning out. Then I heard someone say, “Video and photo are here. They’re going to the guy’s room.”

It was all starting – the most important day of my life and I was doing a terrible job enjoying it. Whiskey shots weren’t helping, my mimosa fell flat. The past year of my life’s work was starting. A timeline, every minute from 6:00am to Cinderella’s midnight was planned. The moment the videographer, who was meant to capture my awesomeness, stepped into the door, overwhelming pressure filled my stomach.

Lipgloss hadn’t graced my lips before I managed to puke everywhere. I didn’t know how to handle it all. Fortunately the videographer said, “I got your fiancé opening your gifts in his groom Mickey Mouse ears, crying, and it was awesome!” I laughed and brushed my teeth, remembering what the day was really about. Two weird-ass people lucky enough to find each other.

Throw up before lip gloss.

Don’t pop champagne at any point. Just don’t.

Most likely, you’ll be wearing white all day. Popping champagne is not a sure thing and may end up drenching your ivory robe, leaving a sticky residue the rest of the day. How about orange juice and a twist-off cap white wine?

Dangerous champagne isn’t your friend.

Everyone should help find the hole.

I’ll pray for you that your future husband knows what he’s doing, but you might have a little difficulty getting dressed in a constant picture-perfect way. No fairy godmother is going to waive a wand and have corsets, spanks, and pantyhose perfectly fitted around your bridal bod.

Where’s the hole?

Do whatever the hell you want.

Family and friends will meddle but this may be the one day in your life that you can be deservedly selfish in the most stunning poetic way. These moments are about you two, and the closest people around you are just there to share it. I wanted to spend the entire day with my fiancé/ husband combo in my wedding dress, while feeding wild animals, and getting married at the San Diego Zoo Safari park – against everyone’s wishes. Not only was the zoo stunning but Taylor-Swift-rich in sentimental value. If you want to get married in Transylvania, on a glacier, or in a McDonald’s ball pit playground, you should do exactly that. You can do what you wanna do, in living color, and the people who matter will be there. Make happy choices with no regrets.

Let’s break all the rules.

Leave your vendors alone.

Hey, do you happen to see the 10 dozen roses I bought at the flower market for the ceremony aisle? Funny, neither do I…  Oh! They’re on the cake table! Why didn’t I think of that?

The dreaded naked aisle

Your vendors are not going to turn water into wine. My vendors were Tony the Tiger greeeeeeeat, but not Jesus. Details or that perfect shot you might have gone over a few times may be forgotten. The dozen rose petals you bought at the flower market might just find their way to the cake table, but a smile and a thank you goes a long way. Going into Bridezilla mode doesn’t help anyone. I call my videographer from time to time to see how it’s going and the man acts like he’s been through some shit. He’s seen things, terrible things, and I pretend to be a friend and say it’s fine we get our video in another 3 months because people are not inspired if you order them to be. It’s your responsibility to do your research ahead of time.

Great use of my aisle flowers.

Say, “Oh well.”

When the lady says, “Rhinos will eat anything,” including your love letter flower bouquets, she is serious. All you can do is say, “Oh well” in the moment but then – you get to say “Hey, remember when?” later, which is always better. Always.

Hey, I kind of needed that… Oh well.

Stay calm and care less.

Do you see this terror in my face? Have you ever watched a movie and said,”Oh crap, this isn’t supposed to happen.” That’s me in complete dread because a young cheetah followed a trail of treats to Swan Lake and happens to just LOVE birds. Loves them! He’s sitting there locking on to more treats flying by and there’s no doubt in my mind he’d succeed at any mission. Luckily, we didn’t have to evacuate. Motto: Stay calm and sometimes things just work out.

Stay calm now. Dance later.

Don’t get married in the summer.

We wanted to get married in August on our six year anniversary. The sky was a beautiful blue but the air felt like Satan’s breath. I didn’t mind that the ring didn’t go on when it was supposed to but my face was bloated. Why starve yourself for months eating nothing but veggies and quinoa when the heat can reverse everything you worked for? Let’s opt for crisp fall. Believe me when I say you don’t need “Children of the Corn” at your ceremony anyway.

Yeah, that’s not going on right now.

Put a reception dress on an extra credit card.

I loved my dress and will treasure it until the day I die but it was huge, hot, scratchy, and weighed a ton. Getting naked was one of the top 3 feelings I experienced that day. Changing allowed me to truly enjoy the rest of the night comfortably. Best decision ever.

Don’t care I can’t afford this right now.

Blow off your guests.

Not eating for a day won’t kill you. Use dinner time to escape and find a quiet moment with your new husband. Obviously you don’t want to leave your own party, but just 30 minutes of privacy will have more meaning than your Chicken Florentine. I promise you.

I was starving? Somehow I don’t remember.

Demand a dress rehearsal.

Dancers have dress rehearsals because let’s face it, shit happens. Through years and years of performances I can’t for the life of me remember even tripping. BUT I didn’t stop to think about all of that evil lace. Demonic fabric that might get caught on your heel, causing you to wipe out during the flash mob you spent months planning. Regardless, the show must go on, and I ducked and rolled accordingly.

Lace does have holes.

Laugh at “Do you need help with anything?” 

Common conversation:

Bride: “Oh, you know how you offered to help, just to be nice? Well, would you mind helping me make 100 DIY custom lace name cards on your day off?”

Guest: “I’m out of town that weekend.”

Bride: “Which one?”

Guest: “All of them before your wedding.”

I know a bride who scheduled a meeting with her bridesmaids and none of them showed up. She cried and no DIY mice came to help her. <~ true story

I had always thought the morning of my special day, bridesmaids would be giving me sentimental letters and keepsakes. Honestly, you are lucky if they get their dress altered AND show up at the rehearsal. Don’t expect the movie scenes and maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Zero expectations makes those surprises even better.

Pay someone for what you could do yourself.

I used to have nightmares the reception was a zombie wasteland. Somehow, I’d get a phone and the D.J. would say, “Ohhhh shoot. Was that today? I’m so so sorry.” While that’s not going to happen, probably, have a sit-down 2 weeks before and figure out your absolute needs beforehand. Even better, get a wedding planner to coordinate the day of. Worth it – especially if that includes direction given at the rehearsal. Nobody’s got time for all those little details, especially you.

You don’t have time for details. Strategize beforehand.

Prepare for the end of the world.

You need to feed people more than once a day, believe it or not. You can’t starve bratty kids and the complaining adults BUT you can pay strangers to take their food right out of their hands. Pretend it’s the “End of Days” and pack a suitcase with vital survival supplies. Think outside the box and shut people up.

People need to get fed throughout the day.

Be overprotective about your stuff.

I had my mother’s veil incorporated into my shoes. They instantly became precious heirlooms. However, when chocolate falls on them, dry cleaners do not want to ruin your hopes and dreams and simply just refuse. I finally found a brave confident cobbler who decided to take a chance. When I came to pick them up, and saw the stains had gone, I cried uncontrollably. So yeah, at least opt for vanilla cake or cheap shoes.

Keep your heirlooms safe.

Buy 4 pairs of badass shoes.

Honestly, I’m not one of those girls, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being uncomfortable that day. You can’t see comfortable platform white sandals under a gown. Bring a small suitcase with sturdy shoes for dancing, a gorgeous pair for pictures, and some bridal slippers for that 11:00 photographer release.

Too many shoes isn’t always a bad thing.

Don’t consummate the marriage with your D Game.

I guess its tradition to make love after the most exhausting day of your life. However, you’ve spent the entire day telling your new husband how special eternity is going to be together. Don’t you think you owe it to him to blow his mind out while wearing that cute white lingerie set? You’d be doing yourselves both a favor, instead of hinting at an ominous, obligated, half-assed marriage.

Bring your A Game when said “A Game” is bringable.

Pigeons are pigeons and people are people. Let it go.

Who’s bright idea was it to bring out pigeons? They don’t care who you are or what day it is, they will stab your hand.

CAUTION: Pigeons and people may stab you.

No one cares you spent $100- 200 on a plate of fish, specifically with their initials on it. At the end of this day, people are still people, capable of anything. Family members might say hurtful things for no reason. Others you thought you could depend on might leave empty chairs or be MIA. Your dad may not find the urge to walk you down the aisle. Your drunk bridesmaid might make you cry in your bridal suite but at least no matter what happens from this day forward, someone pretty amazing will have your back for the rest of your life. The bloopers are all part of the beautiful story – your story. Perfection is boring so enjoy the awkward seconds in between because you certainly will later.

Hey, remember when…

© Faith’s True Tales 2016. All original words by Faith Brady. Pictures by the talented Brian Kent.